A Public Place to be Private

Changing Times

Wed, 16 May 2012 22:50:45 -0500

For the past week or so I’ve been spending a lot of time with my best friend Andrew. It’s very relaxing and keeps me from thinking about all the problems in my life. We talked a lot about my relationship with Mark and came to the mutual decision that it’s not healthy, and not going to go anywhere. So on Monday I rode my bike over to Mark’s house and ended the relationship. He was confused and slightly disappointed but he didn’t seem broken up at all; he kind of shrugged it off which only reassures me that it was the right decision. I can’t say I’m all too sad about it but I am going to miss cuddling.

On a different note, I still haven’t had any luck with job hunting. I might have to completely change how I write about events to even possibly be considered for a job. I can kind of see where they’re coming from and how some people might be offended by honest opinions but really, when it comes down to it, there are too many people in this world that dance around the issue. I guess I should just be one of those people.

The weather is finally starting to turn nice which is helping to lift my spirits but it’s going to take much more than a little sunshine. However, if everything stays the way it is I should be able to finish the week on a high note.

WotS~ 5/16/12

fleeckr: The Valley by Moonlight (by Matt Granz Photography)

Tue, 08 May 2012 15:10:54 -0500

fleeckr:

The Valley by Moonlight (by Matt Granz Photography)

allthingseurope: Koeningsee, Germany (by Fr Antunes)

Tue, 08 May 2012 15:10:52 -0500

allthingseurope:

Koeningsee, Germany (by Fr Antunes)

view-earth: Lightbeam in the Valley (by Rob Kroenert)

Mon, 07 May 2012 01:31:10 -0500

view-earth:

Lightbeam in the Valley (by Rob Kroenert)

Photo

Mon, 07 May 2012 01:31:08 -0500

Photo

Mon, 07 May 2012 01:31:06 -0500

Photo

Mon, 07 May 2012 01:31:04 -0500

Photo

Mon, 07 May 2012 01:31:02 -0500

It's over.

Sat, 05 May 2012 12:38:59 -0500

The raging sea of emotions had finely calmed and I feel normal again. At this point in my life I should probably look into getting medication for my depression but the very thought of pumping drugs into my system that don’t actually cure what they’re for still makes me leery. They would probably help keep my head straight whenever an episode hits but for some reason I feel that going into such darkness is good for me. Perhaps it’ll make me stronger in the end but something is telling me to embrace it and not fight it.

My father was deeply worried about me this time. He stayed home from work Wednesday just in case anything were to happen, though nothing did. I can understand why he’s so worried. He lost my mother when a suicidal man crashed his car into hers about a year after I was born. I’m all he has left in this world, besides his aging mother. He loves me dearly and I’m upset with myself for always making him worry. He knows I have depression but doesn’t quite understand how it works. He doesn’t understand the concept that when something makes me upset, that emotion will spiral down until I want nothing more than eternal sleep. To him, sadness is something that is cured by things you love doing. Whenever he feels sad, he’ll go into his room and read a book of corny jokes he’s had since he was young. He’ll come out smiling and lighthearted as if nothing happened. He doesn’t understand that those kinds of things can’t help me feel better.

My boyfriend doesn’t seem to understand either. He’s seen me when an episode hits and has been around me during one but over the past few months he’s been around less and less. Normally when I feel one coming on, I’ll call or text him and tell him I need to be with him. He used to come over immediately or come get me and take me back to his house but lately he always seems to be too busy whenever I call. I began noticing it in March. My favorite shirt, a purple one with a stylized shield on it, got caught on the front door handle and ripped. There was no way to repair it and the rip was too big to keep wearing it. I was deeply upset by this, so I called him and asked if he could come over. He told me he was busy helping his mom, which is the biggest lie I’ve ever heard. His mother works nearly 24/7 and hates him. She would never ask for his help even if her life depended on it.

Lately I’ve been spending time with my best friend Andrew whenever an episode starts. We’ll sit on his couch and watch movie and after movie until I feel a bit better. He made me spaghetti for dinner on Thursday and we watched Gone With The Wind, one of my most favorite movies ever. He’s the greatest friend anyone could have. A small part of me keeps saying I should leave Mark and peruse a relationship with Andrew. However, last week Andrew told me he’s been feeling extremely confused. He’s attracted to women but he’ll catch himself staring at men. He said he doesn’t feel sexual aroused by them but he can’t help but look at them. I don’t think it would wise to attempt a relationship with him while he’s so confused.

I haven’t heard anything back from all the places I’ve applied too. I’m beginning to think Journalism was the wrong field to go into. One of my professors told me I would never been hired because I wasn’t afraid to write what I felt. He said the authority figures wouldn’t be pleased with someone writing their own mind and not what they’re told. I think he was right.

Nothing else note worthy has happened during the week so I suppose I’ll finish this entry off.

WotS. 5/5/12